Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!