I gave up going to work for lent.
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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
These are too funny not to post 😂
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.