I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Had a spot of bother earlier.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful