My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
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*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.