Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
WHO DID THIS?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.