If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
This is painfully accurate 😅
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed