*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
You Might Also Like
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.