Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.