I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
when someone rings the doorbell
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you