Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.