Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography