December birthdays be like…
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Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I never needed anything more in my life
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.