Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
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Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.