When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
How times have changed.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
tourist season
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)