Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.