When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You Might Also Like
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.