I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
sry
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night