My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
this is the best day of my life
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”