Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
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5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
this isn’t threatening at all
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT