4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
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her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Sing it!
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.