I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Got ya covered
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?