I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy