Animal poetry
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
True
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories