8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.