Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
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I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?