Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
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To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]