I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I love wikipedia
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019