My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My patience has stretch marks.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte