#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
this is 10/10 content no notes
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell