Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
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*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
selena gomez
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.