What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back