My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
🙋♀️
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is