A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?