Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
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I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”