If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
respect
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Solving a traffic jam
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”