wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir