her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
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My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.