I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Yoga Matt
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late