colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
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*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.