Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.