A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
You Might Also Like
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Not all heroes wear capes.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife