That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
New favorite tiktok
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.