*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
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*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.