My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: