If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Seas the day!!!!
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.