my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Clients after you give them your rates
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Just had my nails done!