When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
You Might Also Like
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.