I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Natty or not?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers