*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
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Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool