Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Midwest trash talk
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right